If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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