I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wish there were birth control emojis
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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