if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize