I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
