in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
