Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
