i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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