Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
