when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
