The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
