There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You may now shotgun with the bride
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
