i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
