its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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