spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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