They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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