hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
