Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
