i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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