oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
