Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
