You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
