walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
