I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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