She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
