no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
