it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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