youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Randomize
