I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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