If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
