He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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