The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
