OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
