Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Randomize
