Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
