He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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