I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
look no pants
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
