Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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