Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
