There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
