the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
