I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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