I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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