I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
