you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize