Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
