I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize