Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
PANTIES FOUND
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