You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They have beer where we have blood.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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