Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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