this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
