I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
