i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize