Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
