the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
