Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
