i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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