Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
