He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize