I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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