dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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