I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
