also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
